Worthy

The idea is that if something is meant to be, you will be happy and things will continue to get better instead of worse, right? That if it's meant to be, it's not going to go anywhere and you won't long for any kind of change? No "if only he was more religious" or "I'd be happy ifs"? Tell me I'm not wrong and that I'm doing the right thing by asking for more; by believing that I deserve more and am worth the effort. 

Society pushes us to accept ourselves and expect more, but it's so much easier said than done. It feels so natural to push away my own happiness and do something - become someone -  that makes the other person happy. There's the everlasting fear of "what if I push away what's meant to be?" that stalks my dreams and haunts my heart. A whisper that I reassure myself with: "relationships are supposed to be work, right? Everything can't be easy, that would be too simple. You have to grow in a relationship, don't you?"

 

But does that encompass the fights we have every month or more? The fact that, despite loving you with my entire being, another part of me whispers, "is this all there is?" "Is this what I am worth"?

Am I asking too much by wanting nothing less than your entirety? I am willing to love you with everything I have, yet you tell me I'm taking up "too much time", "too much energy", wanting "too much" from you. Why can't you appreciate me loving you? If you love me the way you say you do, then "too much" shouldn't be a part of the equation that is our relationship. I shouldn't feel (and neither should you) that asking you to take me on a date once a month is a burden. Don't you think something is wrong if you tell me you aren't happy?

I want you to understand that I am not leaving because I'm "immature" and "too impatient" to see us come to fruition, but because I respect what I'm worth and am realizing that I deserve someone who loves me the way I love them. I understand now that I am not being selfish by believing that I should be happy. That, if we are together, it's okay to want to be the most important thing in your life. I will not listen to you say "There are more important things in my life than you". You may not say it directly, but you say it in other ways. 

I am not going to apologize for wanting my own happiness. I am not going to say "I'm sorry but". It's messing with my self-esteem and bringing me down. It's turning me into someone I'm not and I've realized that I don't know myself. What have I been for the past nine months other than a part of you? I need time to be myself and figure out who I am. And so do you. Life is short, live it happily.

I don't regret a moment spent with you. We've had a good run and I've learned a lot from you. However, the desires that burn in my heart were put there for a reason and I think God is whispering to me to move on now. Don't tell me that I'm being too serious about this. Knowing what I want doesn't mean I'm cruel. And truly, I don't see any of our time together as a waste. But if I know you're not the one for me (how could you be if I long for more?), why should we keep pretending? I love you as deeply as I said I do and I’m doing this now because we both deserve to be happy… happier than what we have been lately. I'm doing what I need to do for both of us, because we deserve it. I hope you understand this one day, even though that day won't be today.